*Well, it seems like we're getting ready to get back on the merry-go-round! Chris has been pretty sick with lupus-related issues for a while and now, her dr wants her to go do chemo again because steroids aren't working. It sucks that she has to continue doing this because it is all so hard on her.
*I have real difficulty finding words to describe my feeling about this. I am prepared to tackle anything I need to in order to get through this next chapter, and at the same time I feel frustrated that it's working out as it is. It's a struggle for me to even define my emotions.
*Know what I do when I feel like I have no control? I go "tactical". I clean, and I organize, and I move, just move, to stay a step ahead of whatever is happening. Today is my day off and I have kept going almost nonstop- taking down xmas decorations, rassling the baby, running errands, doing laundry, etc. It's how I cope, but it really doesn't help completely. What I don't get is what God's big plan is. What am I missing in the message? Or am I totally missing the entire message? Do I need to look way beyond self to see things more clearly? How do I become a better man through all this? How, how can I use the learnings from this situation for the greater good? Spousal support group? I gotta do something productive with all this or it is just wasted. I dunno, but it feels like I need to invest in other people who are experiencing things and try to improve their lives. Not to mention improving the lives of those under my roof!
* It feels like I have a wall inside that needs to be breached in order for me to find my true self and be in touch with my emotions. I can't control what happens, but I can work toward achieving a deeper resonance. I can tap those vast underground reservoirs of empathy and self-realization in order to get away from being a "shivering clod" and become a force. In short I can drop the inhibiting factors, such as fear, and move forward assertively. The process unfolds...
